Monday, October 31, 2005
Halloween Dream
Halloween... and my dream last night wasn't so much scary as it was depressing.
I accompanied my mother to work...not sure why. She had some job working in a temporary tent shelter, with A/C, on what was supposed to be the UC/Berkeley campus, up on a hill in a big lawn somewhere. (Bore no resemblance to Berk. whatsoever.) She left me at a weird desk to go to a meeting, with a note that someone named Sandy s... I've forgotten the name, it was a weird one, easy to make fun of... had called for me and I was to call back. I didn't know who she was, so put off ever calling. A lot of other people were coming in and out, and I recognized a lot of them. One guy I even gave a hug to. But I didn't want people to recognize me and start talking to me. Apparently, I was supposed to have spent time there 2-3? years before interviewing people (administrators?) for my thesis. But I had done nothing in the interim. And here were other people, former students? and others, that I recognized and I was assuming they were finished and had real jobs. And what did I have? Bupkes. So I was kind of cringing at this desk and listening to all the chatter around me and ryhing to avoid meeting peop,e in the eye, hoping hey would not recognize me and start asking me things. I had done interviews but just a description of them, I had written nothing in 2 years, and had no analysis. I was embarrassed and wanted to go away so no one wujld ask what I was doing or had been doing. I would start to dial this Sandy Skipper ot whatever, but fortunately, someone or something would prevent me from actually dialing the number. What was I going to say? I'm returning your call, who are you? Then one of the women told me my mother had passed out a sheet (?) in her meeting telling about me, and I realized that I had written 2 theses, the one about sexism and TV and the other about TV and scriptwriters. So she was proud of me, so I actually had done something... even though no job, I could talk about something a little, even if not especially acadmically... never been really able to do that anyway. But I still wanted to go away and walk down to the Berkeley bookstore... which I knew I would find somewhere down the hill, even if there was no resemblance to the real UC/Berk. and even if I wasn't wearing the right kind of shoes to take a long walk in.
I accompanied my mother to work...not sure why. She had some job working in a temporary tent shelter, with A/C, on what was supposed to be the UC/Berkeley campus, up on a hill in a big lawn somewhere. (Bore no resemblance to Berk. whatsoever.) She left me at a weird desk to go to a meeting, with a note that someone named Sandy s... I've forgotten the name, it was a weird one, easy to make fun of... had called for me and I was to call back. I didn't know who she was, so put off ever calling. A lot of other people were coming in and out, and I recognized a lot of them. One guy I even gave a hug to. But I didn't want people to recognize me and start talking to me. Apparently, I was supposed to have spent time there 2-3? years before interviewing people (administrators?) for my thesis. But I had done nothing in the interim. And here were other people, former students? and others, that I recognized and I was assuming they were finished and had real jobs. And what did I have? Bupkes. So I was kind of cringing at this desk and listening to all the chatter around me and ryhing to avoid meeting peop,e in the eye, hoping hey would not recognize me and start asking me things. I had done interviews but just a description of them, I had written nothing in 2 years, and had no analysis. I was embarrassed and wanted to go away so no one wujld ask what I was doing or had been doing. I would start to dial this Sandy Skipper ot whatever, but fortunately, someone or something would prevent me from actually dialing the number. What was I going to say? I'm returning your call, who are you? Then one of the women told me my mother had passed out a sheet (?) in her meeting telling about me, and I realized that I had written 2 theses, the one about sexism and TV and the other about TV and scriptwriters. So she was proud of me, so I actually had done something... even though no job, I could talk about something a little, even if not especially acadmically... never been really able to do that anyway. But I still wanted to go away and walk down to the Berkeley bookstore... which I knew I would find somewhere down the hill, even if there was no resemblance to the real UC/Berk. and even if I wasn't wearing the right kind of shoes to take a long walk in.
# posted by Zanny @ 8:30 AM 
